Parenting Theories of Non-Parents

You've heard the argument before: people without kids shouldn't give parenting advice, they don't know what they're talking about. All they are are theories.

Well I'm here with a different point of view. My husband, Miles, likes to say "you know how you think you know all the answers before you have kids of your own? Well you do."

The philosophy behind that is these non-parents are not emotionally manipulated. They're able to see a situation objectively.

Miles and I had sooooo many ideas about parenting before our kids came along, and here are a few examples:

• Bedtime routines are important. Establish one and stick to it, whatever it is. 
• Routine/schedule is important, all day long. Children feel safe knowing what to expect.
• Discipline is important. Yes, that means a spanking when necessary, or a smack on the hand. I've never understood the attempts of sitting and reasoning with a 1 or 2 year old. They need immediate feedback.
• Playtime is important. Children learn a lot through play and it increases bonding opportunities.
• Don't coddle. Kids will fall, they will get hurt, they will fight. Often children will react to your reaction - stay calm and let them sort out the pain in a way that suits them. If they need you, they will come to you.
• Children need time with their parents more than they need toys. There is no need to shower your child with toys and spoil them - they're likely to play with your pots and pans and boxes anyway.
• It's okay for a baby to cry, they don't need to be quiet and content every moment of the day, there are other responsibilities you have, too - learn to balance them.
• It's okay to leave your baby. With someone of course, but alone time or couple time is very important. Don't let your children come between the relationship you've built with your spouse. If you're strong together, the family will be strong.

These are just a few examples. I really can't think of anything we thought before kids that didn't turn out after kids. So remember your theories - they'll save your life. Just like Miles saved mine.

Having twins, there are few things that were necessary for our survival, and a schedule was one of them. The boys always ate together and always at 3 hour intervals. Okay, maybe not always. Sometimes I would feed them at 2 1/2 hours if they were going through a growth spurt, or feed one then the other if we were in a public place, but I knew that feeding on demand would kill me, especially because I was nursing. So yes, I woke a sleeping baby. I suppose that's something that was different than I anticipated.

Sleeping was also a part of the schedule. From the time they were 3 months old, they would be in their bed to sleep at 7pm, and their naps times were consistent.

Don't get me wrong - it's not like I didn't have days that weren't wonky where I forgot the schedule and just followed what I thought were the boys' cues. That led to a rough day, and nothing else got done. This is where the support of a husband whose parenting ideals match your own comes in handy.

Miles was confident enough in our parenting plan to not let me sway. For too long, anyway. He always reminded me of our goals and how we wanted our home to function, and that meant I needed to be in charge, not the babies. Because he left the house and was away from the day-to-day tasks - that become mundane, I tell you - he was more objective than I was and even knew better than I at times.

Where does he help me most right now with my almost-two year old twin boys? The discipline. The not coddling. It's so easy to forgive a gentle face and not follow through. It's so easy to run to your baby who's tripped over his own feet. It's so easy to just pick them up and take them where you want to go, rather than teach them to follow instruction. But the easy way rarely turns out satisfying in the end.

Moms: I know it's a lot of responsibility to take care of a new baby, or a growing baby, or a toddler or two. I know there are a lot of things on your list of to-dos, such as: buying diapers, doing laundry, making sure food is available, keeping the house in some semblance of order so you can find something when you want it. It's easy to feel like you're alone, like your husband doesn't know what it's like. And it is likely true that he doesn't, but he doesn't have to know what it's like in order to help and support you. He has to know what the family plan is that you both agreed on, so he can help keep you on the path that is so easy to stray from when being pulled in so many different directions.

Moms: let dads help. I'm sorry to say, but you don't always know what's best. You're not always in the best frame of mind. You're tired physically and emotionally and mentally, and some days it is just so hard. So let your partner, the one who committed to raise this child with you, have a say. It's okay to be wrong, so long as you get back to being right, and that is what he's there for: to help you to be right, to remember your 'pre-child parenting plan'.

Welcome Home, Daddy!

Yes, it's been a while. For no reason other than I haven't had the urge to write. But, my friends, Miles has captured a picture that forces me to break my silence. Here is the preamble:

When Miles comes home from work, I either see him coming up the walk and say "Daddy's home, go to the window!" or Miles will come knock at the window. Either way, the response is the same:

The boys stop what they're doing, look up and run up onto the couch beneath the livingroom window. Lincoln puts his hand on it and smiles while Austin will get up as high as possible and bang with both hands like an orangutang, with his mouth in a wide open grin and giggles. Miles coming home is the boys' favorite part of the day, and mine, too :)

Recently Miles has been blowing onto to the glass, and Austin has now copied this gesture. Miles caught it perfectly!

It's a good thing I value family fun time over clean glass, or I would go nuts. The finger prints and spit (mmmm) are a great reminder of how much the boys love their dad, and how much Miles loves to come home and see them. But really, the windows are due for a clean. Spring can't get here soon enough.

Modern Day Mom. Or Not.

Well, I had a two week trial at being the mom who does to does it all: Makes her husband's lunch, makes breakfast, feeds her children, gets ready for work, catches the bus, works, goes home to happy children, plays, makes dinner, eats with the family, bathes her kids, puts them to bed, does the laundry, does the dishes, makes her husband happy by doting and going to bed with a mask and cucumbers, ready for the next day.

Okay, okay, I'm exagerating.

Let me back up a moment:

When it was time for me to return to work after Maternity Leave (which in Canada is a blessed year), I told them no, I would not be returning full-time. But that was hard for me. I was at my job for more than 4 years and I really liked it there; it was hard for me to cut those ties. I was also searching for a way that I could stay home and make some money, so we came to an agreement that should they ever need any extra service they needed to outsource - give me a call.

Well call they did! One of the executive assisstants was going to be out of the office so they asked if I would step in for a couple weeks. Well, the stars were aligned because Miles' mom, Maureen, had just arrived to stay for a while. After talking with her, and she being willing to play Super Grandma, I said "Yes! I'll do it!"

This also came at great moment in time because I was desperately searching for a change of pace and a two week road trip with me and the boys was high up on the list of possibilities and as much as I want to see my friends in far off places, making money trumps spending it and it provided the change of pace I was looking for.

Well, after just one week, let me tell you what I learned about myself and my family:

1. A change of pace only needs to be a couple of days to recharge my batteries.

2. It's much nicer to use the time during the day to keep on top of tidying the house rather than when I get home after already working a full day.

3. I miss my boys terribly and am sad when I think about all that I'm missing throughout the day.

4. I understand now why it's so nice for Miles to come home to clean house and dinner ready to go. It offers such a relaxing peaceful atmosphere, which is what your home is for after spending the day out in the world.

This experience of being away from my home and going into the office day in and day out, if only for a week or two, has reaffirmed to me that I am doing the best thing for me and my family in this moment by staying at home and taking care of the children and running the house.

I don't know how mothers who work a full time job then go home and put in another full shift do it. I have gained a respect for those who do, but I am glad that my husband and I both agree that me being at home is best for us.

So kudos to you modern day moms out there doing it all; I'll stay at home blissfully dawning my apron in all the glory of the 50's housewife.



The Babies Ain't Babies No More

Well here we are, a year has past and what a wonderful year it was, too. I'm just gunna take a minute here and brag about my life - mostly because I can, but I also want people to know that all the horror stories going around about birth and babies and feeding and diapers and twins and - well you get where I'm going with this- it's not always so horrible.

Everything about my life has become so much richer because of Austin and Lincoln: my marriage, my family, my sense of fulfillment, everything.

Although I didn't want my babies to come early, or to have a c-section, and I certainly didn't want my babies away from me in the NICU, there are definite benefits that came from these and I know it helped me ease into motherhood gracefully.

The boys have been wonderful sleepers - I honestly can't remember any more than a handful of times they didn't want to sleep for their naps or at night. When they did wake at night to eat, they would always go right back to sleep.

They've been excellent eaters. Nursing on a schedule, eating full meals until their tummies burst and they're only allergic to milk, but very mildly at that.

They're so happy. They're only upset if they need a diaper change, are ridiculously tired, or are fighting over a toy, and all these are easily addressed.

With all these pros, I'm ready to have babies again right away. Give me twins, or TRIPLETS! We can do it :)

If there's anything I have to say is hard, it's - well - seriously, I'm thinking. Oh! Well, it's not hard, just an annoyance. The amount of stuff I have to pack around is crazy!!! I don't know what I would do without my minivan. If we go out for a night with friends and bring the boys it's: 2 booster seats, 2 playpens, 2 sleepers, 8 diapers, food, blankets, toys. I'm sure I'm missing something in there...

All my blessings aren't without gratitude, however. I have to give credit and thanks to all those who have donated or loaned baby clothes and gear and furniture, those who have ever babysat and given us food and gifts. And especially a big thank you to my husband, Miles, for all of his support and encouragement. My life is truly blessed because of all the support out there.

Okay, so maybe a little more than a minute to brag, but now I'll share their birthday party!!

I wanted to have it outside (hurray for summer birthdays!) and it had been so hot out we went to Prairie Winds Park because they have a wading pool. I found a nice shaded spot and family and friends showed up to celebrate.

My talented sister did the mini cupcakes and the giant cake for the boys - so delicious! You should check out her blog and order some.  www.sweettoothcc.blogspot.ca

The boys didn't really know what to do with this big huge blue lump in front of them but it was still neat to watch them figure it out. Later on they dug into the cupcakes pretty well.

Austin, Lincoln: I love being your mom, you two are the best anyone could hope for. And I promise to still love you when you keep me up late and drive me crazy :)

Love, Mom

Austin and Lincoln's First Year

           

 Here I am, looking at a whole year gone by. I figured the best way to commemmorate this would be to show some pictures and my Facebooks statuses (stati?) from the past year, so here you go, here is a glimpse at the boys' life their first year :)

Aug 12/11 So I haven't been coy the last few days, just busy and tired! As we begin day 3, everyone is doing wonderfully. The babes love to be cuddled and we love to cuddle them :) Eating great, breathing beautifully, both blessed with headfuls of dark curly hair like their dad :) Handsomest boys ever if I do say so myself. Pics are forthcoming! Thanks for all the love and well-wishes, we are truly blessed. - Aug 22/11 All are home and perfect - thanks everyone!! - Sep 11/11 You know what's awesome? When you're holding your baby, and look down and they're just silently gazing up at you. The moments following are the most precious in the world :) – Jan 9/12 Happy 5 month birthday to my boys! I've loved every single minute of being your mom, I'm so blessed to have you.Jun 16/12 Well, officially said goodbye to work, kind of a weird feeling. Now when people ask what I do, I'm no longer on mat leave, I am MOM. - Jun 19/12 As mobility increases, there follows a rise in criminal activity. The two seperate units have begun working together to cause confusion and exhaustion and the former ideal of peacekeeping is being reevaluated. We find stronger measures must be taken and martial law may have to be instituted. The need for tranquilizer guns and restraints is also becoming a viable option.  - Jul 2/12 Had a wonderfully hot Canada Day celebration with my Grandparents and brother and his family down in Raymond. Boys in bed, getting my heat-stroke on and getting ready for bed. Jul 5/12 Well, Lincoln has taken to throwing food - now we're in for a battle! - Jul 6/12 Had such fun at Riley Park today! Lincoln was motorin' in the pool on his hands and knees :) Can't wait to make this a regular activity. Thanks to mom for helping out and to Jamie and Jassie for joining up! - Jul 11/12  So I'm nursing the boys and Lincoln is absently kicking his foot. Austin gets up and swats his butt and comes back to continue nursing when Lincoln stops. This is crazy!! - Jul 11/12 Made pulled pork the other day, and it wasn't the best I ever had. But the boys are loving it!!- Jul 13/12Gettin' ready to head out for the boys' first Stampede. Yahoo!!! Let the indoctrination begin!!!! - Jul 13/12 Had a great time with the boys - they did so well!! My only regret is not capturing enough photos. They're now tucked into bed nice and tight and I'm headed back to the Grandstand Show. Yeehaw!! - Jul 16/12 Obviously I made the mistake of always vacuuming while the boys were sleeping. They're terrified of the machine like two monkeys in a tree watching out for the tiger! It's priceless. - Jul 16/12 Tried out grilled cheese on the boys and it's a hit! What veggies can I hide in there? Tomatos, spinach....anyone? -Jul 23/12 I found a can of bean in tomato sauce down in my storage, so I thought I'd try it on the boys. Well, they like the sauce, but not so much the beans. They suck on em and spit em out. What can you do! - Jul 25/12 So I don't know when it happened, but it dawned on me that boys are sitting up all by themselves. Hurray! One less thing they need me for. That should make me proud - so why is my smile upside down? - Jul 25/12  My favorite part of the day: watching the boys run-crawl to see Daddy when he gets home :) - Jul 27/12 Austin took a stuffed bear and clapped it's hands! How awesome is that???- Jul 30/12 Why do I bother cleaning, you ask? Because then for at least 10 minutes a day, I can look around proudly and sigh with relief. Then it starts all over again – Aug 2/12 So the boys are playing in the toy box when I hear Lincoln start to freak out. Guess he was reaching for the bottom, cuz all I see are legs kicking in the air!

Aug 9/12 A year ago I was all belly and didn't really know what to expect. By the end of the day I had two beautiful boys who make me laugh and smile every day. I never knew the love and joy they bring would be so fulfilling. I love you, Austin and Lincoln, I can't imagine my life any other way. You make me so proud every day. Happy Birthday!

Birthday images to come :)