Parenting Theories of Non-Parents

You've heard the argument before: people without kids shouldn't give parenting advice, they don't know what they're talking about. All they are are theories.

Well I'm here with a different point of view. My husband, Miles, likes to say "you know how you think you know all the answers before you have kids of your own? Well you do."

The philosophy behind that is these non-parents are not emotionally manipulated. They're able to see a situation objectively.

Miles and I had sooooo many ideas about parenting before our kids came along, and here are a few examples:

• Bedtime routines are important. Establish one and stick to it, whatever it is. 
• Routine/schedule is important, all day long. Children feel safe knowing what to expect.
• Discipline is important. Yes, that means a spanking when necessary, or a smack on the hand. I've never understood the attempts of sitting and reasoning with a 1 or 2 year old. They need immediate feedback.
• Playtime is important. Children learn a lot through play and it increases bonding opportunities.
• Don't coddle. Kids will fall, they will get hurt, they will fight. Often children will react to your reaction - stay calm and let them sort out the pain in a way that suits them. If they need you, they will come to you.
• Children need time with their parents more than they need toys. There is no need to shower your child with toys and spoil them - they're likely to play with your pots and pans and boxes anyway.
• It's okay for a baby to cry, they don't need to be quiet and content every moment of the day, there are other responsibilities you have, too - learn to balance them.
• It's okay to leave your baby. With someone of course, but alone time or couple time is very important. Don't let your children come between the relationship you've built with your spouse. If you're strong together, the family will be strong.

These are just a few examples. I really can't think of anything we thought before kids that didn't turn out after kids. So remember your theories - they'll save your life. Just like Miles saved mine.

Having twins, there are few things that were necessary for our survival, and a schedule was one of them. The boys always ate together and always at 3 hour intervals. Okay, maybe not always. Sometimes I would feed them at 2 1/2 hours if they were going through a growth spurt, or feed one then the other if we were in a public place, but I knew that feeding on demand would kill me, especially because I was nursing. So yes, I woke a sleeping baby. I suppose that's something that was different than I anticipated.

Sleeping was also a part of the schedule. From the time they were 3 months old, they would be in their bed to sleep at 7pm, and their naps times were consistent.

Don't get me wrong - it's not like I didn't have days that weren't wonky where I forgot the schedule and just followed what I thought were the boys' cues. That led to a rough day, and nothing else got done. This is where the support of a husband whose parenting ideals match your own comes in handy.

Miles was confident enough in our parenting plan to not let me sway. For too long, anyway. He always reminded me of our goals and how we wanted our home to function, and that meant I needed to be in charge, not the babies. Because he left the house and was away from the day-to-day tasks - that become mundane, I tell you - he was more objective than I was and even knew better than I at times.

Where does he help me most right now with my almost-two year old twin boys? The discipline. The not coddling. It's so easy to forgive a gentle face and not follow through. It's so easy to run to your baby who's tripped over his own feet. It's so easy to just pick them up and take them where you want to go, rather than teach them to follow instruction. But the easy way rarely turns out satisfying in the end.

Moms: I know it's a lot of responsibility to take care of a new baby, or a growing baby, or a toddler or two. I know there are a lot of things on your list of to-dos, such as: buying diapers, doing laundry, making sure food is available, keeping the house in some semblance of order so you can find something when you want it. It's easy to feel like you're alone, like your husband doesn't know what it's like. And it is likely true that he doesn't, but he doesn't have to know what it's like in order to help and support you. He has to know what the family plan is that you both agreed on, so he can help keep you on the path that is so easy to stray from when being pulled in so many different directions.

Moms: let dads help. I'm sorry to say, but you don't always know what's best. You're not always in the best frame of mind. You're tired physically and emotionally and mentally, and some days it is just so hard. So let your partner, the one who committed to raise this child with you, have a say. It's okay to be wrong, so long as you get back to being right, and that is what he's there for: to help you to be right, to remember your 'pre-child parenting plan'.